Mary Rocks
by DonkeyFang
Summary: Mary Poppins pays Beavis and Butt-head a visit. Mayhem ensues. This is a work of fanfiction. I do not own the rights to either Mary Poppins or Beavis and Butt-head. This is Rated M because of some heavy innuendo. (As in Beavis and Butt-head meet Mary Poppins.) Enjoy!


Mary Rocks

This is a work of fanfiction. I do not own the rights to either Mary Poppins or Beavis and Butt-head. This is rated M because of so heavy innuendo. (Beavis and Butt-head meet Mary Poppins.) Enjoy!

"Huh, huh huh." Butt-head stared at the TV. "Stone Temple Pilots rule."

"Uh, yeah." Beavis cackled for several seconds. "Do you think they're real pilots?"

"Shut up, buttmunch." Butt-head smacked him across the top of the head.

The doorbell rang.

They both stopped and turned toward one another.

Butt-head's eyes were huge. "That was cool." He smacked him a second time as the door chimed again.

Beavis giggled. "It's never done that before. That was cool. Do it again." He sat up straight and clenched his fists.

"Uh, OK." Butt-head pulled back his hand to strike one more time, but the doorbell stopped him.

Beavis turned his head toward the sound. "Oh. It's the door."

"Uh, yeah." Butt-head smacked him anyway. This time was the hardest.

Beavis fell over onto the floor. "What was that for?"

"Huh, huh huh." Butt-head stood. "That was cool."

Beavis sat up and rubbed the back of his head. "No, it wasn't."

"Huh, huh, buttmunch." Butt-head opened the front door.

On the porch was a tall, dark-haired woman in a dark suit, jacket, and matching hat. She carried an over-sized carpet bag in one hand and an umbrella in the other. She looked down at Butt-head and gave a pleasant smile. "Hello. My name is Mary Poppins and I've come about the nanny job."

Butt-head's mouth fell open. "Uh…I've already got a grandma."

The left side of Mary's mouth tightened. "Not Nana. Nanny."

"Uh, OK." Butt-head held still.

Mary looked over his shoulder. "Is there someone else here? A parent, perhaps? Maybe a truant officer?"

Butt-head leaned back. "Beavis, it's for you."

Mary waited patiently.

Beavis stepped to the door, still rubbing the back of this head. "Is it the pizza guy?"

"No. She says she's here about the nanny job."

Beavis looked her up and down. "What banana job?"

Mary looked from one to the other. "Is it just the two of you here?"

"Yeah." Beavis raised his head to look her in the face.

"Huh, huh." Butt-head grinned and batted his eyebrows. "And nanny makes three, baby."

Mary glared at him. "I see. This is definitely the place, then. I didn't get your name. You are…?"

"Butt-head."

Every part of Mary, save her expression, cringed. "Very good. May I come in?"

"Uh, sure." Butt-head stepped back to give her room. "Make yourself at home and stuff."

"Thank you." Mary stepped inside, looked around, and grimaced. "We'll work on your manners. Before long you'll be ready for tea with the Queen."

Beavis turned to Butt-head. "Did she say she has to pee in the latrine?"

Butt-head smacked him again. "No way. Women don't pee in the latrine. They have to sit down or something."

Mary tapped the floor with her umbrella. "That will be quite enough of that. Such discussions should not be conducted in mixed company."

Both boys stared.

Butt-head managed to utter a single sound. "Uhhh."

Mary removed her hat and looked for a rack to hang it.

"Um, yeah." Beavis pointed to the couch. "Just throw it over there."

Mary gave him an icy stare, then turned it to Butt-head. "I see you two are going to be a challenge." She held the hat out to Beavis. "Hold this, please."

He took it. "Uh, OK."

Mary set her bag down on a pile of unopened mail stacked in a chair. She opened the bag, reached inside, and came out with a hat rack. She set it out of the way, next to the front door.

"Whoa!" Butt-head touched the long pole and stepped back. "That's cool!"

"I get more use from that than you'd think." She took her hat from Beavis and hung it from a peg.

Butt-head reached for the bag. "What else is in there?"

"Don't touch that." Mary slapped his hand. "It's rude to handle another person's things."

Beavis giggled.

Mary glared at him, then his heavy metal T-shirt. She leaned her umbrella against the chair. "You two, is this how you dress to…well, what is it you do?"

"Uh, hang out." Butt-head pointed to the couch. "We're watching MTV."

Mary's expression went blank. "MTV?"

"Yeah, it's cool." Beavis cackled again.

Mary's eyes twisted toward the television, which was blaring a drum solo. "The 'M' stands for, what? Surely not manners."

"Uh, music." Butt-head banged his head with the sound of drums.

Mary listened for a moment. "Entirely debatable." She stood up straight. "You two are in desperate need, I see." She nodded. "Very well. I shall do what I can for you."

"Uh, cool!" Butt-head chuckled and thrust his pelvis.

Mary rolled her eyes. "Get your mind out of the gutter." She made a fist and rested her head on it. "I know! Let's work on something you understand."

Beavis giggled. "Like what?"

"Under ordinary circumstances, I'd think finding anything within your grasp would be a Herculean task, but I may have an idea." Mary reached into her bag.

Butt-head scratched his head. "Uh, who's Sir Cumstance?"

Mary closed her eyes in sheer exasperation. "Cheeky." Her hand came out with a seafoam green Les Paul guitar with a mahogany neck, gold-plated hardware, and Alnico Humbuckers.

"Whoa!" Butt-head stared, jaw open and eyes wide. "Where'd that come from?"

"Please, be quiet." Mary reached in the bag with her other hand and came out with a pale-yellow Stratocaster. She handed it to him. "Take this."

"Cool!" Butt-head took the guitar.

Mary reached back in and came out with a glacier white Telecaster. She handed it to Beavis. "Can you handle this?"

Beavis snatched the guitar and held it by the neck, over his head. "Yeah!"

Mary grabbed his arms. "Not to smash. Can you play?"

"She's asking if you can play with your instrument." Butt-head chuckled.

"Oh." Beavis lowered the guitar. "Yeah. I'm pretty good at that."

Mary winced and pulled three plugs from the bag. The other ends were connected, somewhere deep inside the giant purse.

Beavis paused. "Uh, you want me to play with it right here?"

Mary shook her head. "Perhaps the couch would be better."

Beavis shrugged. "Uh, yeah. OK."

They followed Mary into the living room.

"Are you, like, going to teach us to play and stuff?" Butt-head tripped over one of the chords, falling flat on his face.

"He he." Beavis looked down at him. "That was cool."

"Shut up, butt nugget." Butt-head pushed himself up.

"No way!" Beavis sat on the couch."

Mary cleared her throat. "Now, boys, what do you know about the guitar?"

Butt-head took his seat. "Uh, I know they rock."

Mary's expression was amazingly controlled, all things considered. She turned her eyes to Beavis. "And you?"

"Uh, yeah. I knew that, too."

"Very well." She hefted her guitar and fiddled with the fingers on her left hand. "Do you see where my fingers are?"

Both boys looked.

"Place your fingers there."

"Um…" Butt-head looked between Mary's hand, then his. He put his fingers on the strings.

Beavis did likewise.

Mary inspected their work. "Good. Now play."

Beavis stared.

Butt-head made a horrible sound with his mouth. "Dah, nah nah-nah-nah nah! Do do do do do! Do do do do do!"

Mary dropped her guitar, letting it dangle from the strap. She clasped her hands over her ears. "What, is that?"

Butt-head stopped. "Uh, rock."

Beavis jittered in his seat. "Yeah! Yeah! Rock!"

Mary shook her head. "You really don't know anything about music, do you? Well, I guess we should start at the beginning." Her lips curled as she considered how much work there was to do. "Yes. That's a very good place to start."

Butt-head chuckled. "Are we going to sing that 'don't blame me' song now?"

Mary shook her head. "No. That's 'Do Re Mi' and you're thinking of someone else."

Butt-head stared. "Uh, ok."

"Now, put your fingers back like you had them." Mary waited while the boys fiddled with their digits.

Beavis took quite some time.

Mary nodded. "This is a G chord. Take your finger and stroke the strings."

Butt-head kicked Beavis. "Yeah, buttmunch. Stroke it."

"Shut up, Butt-head." He moved his middle finger across the strings. The chord thundered from somewhere deep inside Mary's carpet bag.

Both boys sat up, stunned.

Mary was unaffected. "Very nice. Do it again, in rhythm this time. One, two, three, four."

Both boys played the chord.

"Whoa!" Butt-head's mouth and eyes were wide open. Even his nostrils were larger than normal. "What the…?"

"Yes. Very nice." Mary moved her fingers. "Now try this. It's a B chord."

Butt-head took several seconds to reposition his fingers, then strummed the guitar.

Beavis sat, enthralled in the moment. "No way! You know how to play?"

"Uh, yeah. I just learned." He played the chord again. "I'm going to score!"

Beavis crinkled up his face. "No way! I'm going to score." He tried the chord, but made a terrible shriek instead.

Mary touched him on the arm. "Not bad for a first try. Perhaps if you moved this finger here." She moved his index finger to the next string."

"Yeah." Butt-head giggled. "You need to work on your fingering."

"He he, yeah. I need some practice. Mary's helping me."

Mary leaned back. "Watch yourself. I don't have to put up with this."

"Huh huh. She told you to watch yourself." Butt-head switched his fingers back to the G chord.

"I taped myself once."

Butt-head chuckled. "Butt nugget."

"Boys! Stop it. Practice your chords!"

Butt-head played the chord, then switched to the B again. "How do you shred?"

Mary shook her head. "That would require teaching the major scales, at least."

Beavis looked down the hallway. "Butt-head's mom has a major scale. She uses it to weigh herself."

"Shut up." Butt-head punched him in the head.

Beavis swatted him back.

Mary stood. "Boys, stop it this instant!"

They both looked at her.

Butt-head flicked Beavis' ear. "If we get famous and stuff, will you be our groupie?"

Beavis raised his fists. His whole body trembled. "Yeah, that would be cool."

Mary took a long, deep breath. Her words came slowly. "I'm going to do you two a favor. Set the guitars down, then go to another room and count to fifty."

Butt-head sat still. "Uh, count to fifty?"

"Fifty. Or as high as you can. Just leave." Mary waved for them to stand. "Come now. Spit spot!"

"Uh, OK."

The boys stood, set the guitars on the couch, and left the room.

Mary called after them from the living room. "Shut the door."

"What do you think the favor is?" Beavis closed the bedroom door behind them.

"What do you think? Now shut up. We have to count." Butt-head closed his eyes. "One, two, three..."

"Did she say to close our eyes?"

Butt-head swatted him. "I don't know. Shut up. Four, five, six…"

Beavis looked around the room. "We're gonna score. Boing!"

"Uh, yeah. Seven, eight, nine…"

There were three pops as Mary disconnected the guitars from the amps. Her muttering became less muffled as she walked about the room. "…horrible little monsters. I've never SEEN such…"

Beavis pressed his ear against the door. "He he he. She sounds angry."

"Shut up. I don't want to lose count. Uh…"

Beavis punched him on the shoulder. "Ten."

"Oh, yeah. Ten." Butt-head rubbed where Beavis hit him.

"No, I said ten. You go on to eleven."

"No way, buttmuch. It doesn't count if I don't say it."

Beavis turned toward him, blinked, then nodded. "Oh, yeah."

"Ten, eleven, twelve."

"You already said ten."

"Shut up, Beavis."

"You shut up."

Butt-head popped Beavis in the jaw. Beavis hit back, knocking Butt-head over. They rolled on the floor, exchanging blows until a slamming door stopped them.

Beavis looked up at the bedroom door. "Do you think she went to the wrong room?"

Butt-head looked as well, fist still poised to sock Beavis. "Uh, I don't know."

They pushed each other away and stood.

Beavis scratched his head. "What number were we on?"

"Shut up. Let's find Mary." Butt-head opened the door. "Uh, hello?"

Beavis stuck his head out behind him. "Yeah, hello?"

There was no answer.

Both boys stepped into the hallway. "Mary? Uh, we're ready for our favor."

Still no answer.

"Maybe she's lost." Beavis looked up and down the hall.

"Shut up." Butt-head stepped into the living room.

"I don't see her." Beavis looked toward the front door. "She took her suitcase and that weird cane."

"It was an umbrella, butt nugget."

Beavis giggled. "Oh, yeah. She thought it was going to rain."

They both laughed.

"She took that big hat thing, too." Butt-head touched the wall where the hat rack had been.

They twisted their heads around from one side of the room to the other, finding nothing.

Butt-head swatted Beavis on the back of the head again. "You scared her off, buttmunch. I was going to score."

"No way! YOU scared her off!" Beavis smacked him back.

"That sucks." Butt-head shrugged. "Let's watch TV."

They plopped down on the couch and stared for several seconds before they noticed.

"Uh, where is the TV?" Butt-head looked to Beavis.

Beavis looked to the left, then right, then under his seat cushion. "I don't see it."

"This sucks."

Beavis rolled to the floor, then looked under the couch. "It's not down here."

Butt-head kicked him in the butt. "She stole the TV."

Beavis stood and turned toward Butt-head. "Huh?"

"She stole the TV."

Slowly, Beavis' face turned darker and deeper red. When it hit nearly purple, his mouth exploded in a furious roar. "Noooooooo!"


End file.
